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Arizona Adds Social Sites Addictions to Their Statewide Recovery Programs

Collapsing Shack Arizona: Across the state the need for traditional 28 day Recovery Programs have never been more needed (and avoided). All beds are filled year round and often people who wish to recover from their drug of choice are forced to wait months before a bed will open, or at least until their money runs out.

 In most states an individual must be addicted to certain types of drugs to qualify for the program. Things like alcohol, crystal meth, pain piles, and cocaine addictions will get you in other substances like tobacco and caffeine will not. Some addictions, although considered serious by most experts don’t qualify, like gambling and sex addictions. And this has unfortunately kept people like Mick Zano on the streets.

Now Arizona, in an unprecedented move, has added addictions to social sites as a reason for qualifying for its 28 day programs. Arizona Governor—— is quoted saying, “Social Sites such as Twitter, Face Book, and My Space have become the drug for our next generation of youth. This drug is far more dangerous that Cocaine ever was, for with Cocaine a person can eventually run out or at least run out of money. Better yet, they could just die and therefore stop being a burden to our economy. Until the wheels stop turning, there is no end to these dreaded sites. People become obese zombies consuming more potato chips than a room for hippies that just traded their hemp jewelry for an ounce of kind.”

She went on to say, “drug users would at least attempt to hide their problems, but now you can’t walk ten feet without seeing three kids texting or bumping into a laptop. What are they even talking about? I tried to talk to my son and he is as boring as a pile of socks. The pale freak hasn’t gone outside for 6 months; the most interesting thing that happened to him this year was when his fat ass accidentally crushed our cat when it made the mistake to sit in his computer chair.”

The youth entering these 28 day programs are stripped of all technological devices. Laptops and cell phones are forbidden. Within hours, the victims of this foul addiction complain of headaches, isolationism, and strange compulsions to scribble notes and hand them to other people, instead of just speaking.

Erika Devins has been working with substance abusers for 10 years. “It used to be that we’d have to search for small packets of meth or sniff for the smell of crack after lights out. Now, we have to keep our eyes peeled for the glow of cell phones hidden under blankets or clients begging to check their Face Book on a stranger’s lap top during our outings. Last weekend, I had to stop a girl who was offering sexual favors just for a chance to post an update on Twitter.”

Chuck Buster, a supervisor at the 28 program in Flagstaff brought up some more issues they have been facing.  “In recent years, most of our data collection has been transferred to computer use, but when these Social Site Junkies (SSJs) see my staff using their computers, it’s like interviewing a coke addict while sitting on a chair made from crack.”

SSJs pose other problems as well. “We thought alcohol was bad, but cell phones and laptops are everywhere. These poor victims are exposed to their addictions anytime they go into public, businesses, and even most homes.”

Erin Dakowski, the wife of a SSJ, has problems of her own. “First my husband loses his job, because he couldn’t stop playing World of Warcraft at work. After that, it was than lame Farmville on Face Book. I run a group home and I’m call 24/7. I’ve already had to store my computer at my sister’s house, but I have to have a cell, yet every time I set it down, Harold snatches it up and starts planting vegetables or some shit.”

Many people wonder if there is hope for these social-site addicts. Professor Hillibien of the Hilben institute and day care center, added his thoughts. “As technology continues to advance faster than the human mind can adapt, we can only expect to see more problems. For instance my nephew was recently busted for selling his body in return for followers on Twitter.”

These problems may be just the beginning and things could get even worse in the years to come. Some traditional drug abuse might be a thing of the past, because who has time to wait two hours on a street corner to score some horse, think of all the tweets what would be scrolling by during all that time you’d be away from your computer.

Want to get more laughs. Check out the Daily Discord!

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