Ten Things that could Prove We Have a Real Zombie Attack in our Midst.
With humans being what they are, the number of so called ‘zombie attacks’ have been increasing. Sure, taking a bite out of someone is all fine and good, but is the attacker truly a zombie just because he bites someone? Obviously, this is not the case. Below I have outlined the ten things that would help prove that an attack was committed by a zombie.
If an attack has eight of these or even just seven of these traits in place, I would think it would be safe to consider it a zombie attack. Think about it, zombies do not even have to be dead, which movies like 28 Days Later have sworn us. So next time there is a new attack on the news, run the situation through these tens steps and give the attacker his zombie grade.
- 1. The Attacker is Dead.
This is a big one. In fact, if you have this one going on, you can probably just skip the others. If the moving biting human, or at least former human, is no longer living, you probably have a zombie on your hands if not something worse.
However, as mentioned above, some mindless plague victims could still be breathing while they are tearing your throat out. So when grading your zombie attack, even the failure to possess this vital zombie characteristic does not shut down an attacker’s zombie potential.
- 2. They can only be stopped by a Bullet to the Head.
If bullets or other weapons smash this creature through the chest and the attack are ignored until the thing gets a shot to the head, this is a powerful zombie indicator. Yet, much as above, some zombie plagues could be fueled by living people and in most cases a shot to the heart would certainly give them pause.
- 3. The Attacker does not Talk.
You never know, if zombies were to exist, maybe things like vampires or ghouls could be real too. Other types of undead tend to taunt their victims, but not zombies. Also, a flesh-eating maniac might tend to let a few words leak out here and there. Everyone wants their story told. If the attacker is letting out a long moan, and even more so if his buddies are making the same type of moan, get yourself out of there so you can report your first zombie attack.
- 4. The assailant is Stumbling and Awkward.
While most supernatural monsters have some level of grace, zombies are jerky uncoordinated creatures at best. Even serial killers and madman tend to strike quickly and chase down those that would flee from their wraith.
- 5. Low problem solving ability/IQ.
Even the wildest madman can grab an axe or open a window, but for the majority of zombies such mundane tasks are beyond them. If a hundred flesh-eaters are staggering over your fallen keys that would let them get to use with ease, you most likely have a pack of zombies on your hands.
- 6. Eating Human Flesh
In some ways this is more of a given than even being dead. If the wide eyed things chasing you are not trying to eat your flesh you have other sorts of issues. Zombies by definition eat human flesh, so remember anyone who is eating human flesh should be shot in the head just to be on the safe side.
- 7. Their Bite makes you one of Them.
Blood infections and HIV aside, if the bite of the attackers leads the victim to an incurable march toward becoming an undead themselves, you have a real zombie on your hands. One should avoid given bitten by anything, on principle. Keeping yourself from being eaten alive was good enough for our prehistoric ancestors and it is a tradition that should be maintained.
- 8. The Attackers are Immune to Pain.
Similar to 2 above, it the things you are fighting ignore all pain, no matter how intense, this is a strong indicator that you are facing a zombie. Most vital beasts will uncontrollably yell when they suffer pain and often display increased rage or even flight could result. With zombies. such impulses will be immaterial and disregarded in their pursuit of your warm flesh.
- 9. They Attack Humans
Like eating flesh above, zombies are defined for their aggression against humans. If these people you think are zombies just stumble by you, they are probably just drunks. Once a victim is found, the zombie’s pursuit is relentless. If a zombie waver sin front of a television, instead of chasing you, maybe the guy is just too stoned.
- 10. They do not Attack each other.
Just as zombies should be attacking you, they should not be attacking each other. If the zombies are feasting on each other, then perhaps we have a different type of problem on our hands and I would not go drinking the local water.
1-3 We have a new serial killer in town.
4-5 Did we schedule an apocalypse?
6-7 The dead walk.
8-9 Head for the hills.
10 End of days