Geeks Demand Bullies Beat Themselves Up By Alex Bone
Dumpster behind Comic Con: In an unprecedented move the Geeks of America have united under a common goal. This goal is the gain revenge against all the people that plagued them throughout high school. The Geeks took time out during the Los Vegas Comic Com, which was quite a sacrifice, for &&&& was due to appear in her Black Widow suit and later Leonard Nimoy was going to recite Hobbit poetry and sing a Vulcan love ballet that was rumored to be two hours long.
Yet, instead of sitting in on all this fun, the Geek alliance comprised an impressive list of over five hundred thousand bullies that had picked on them. Across the board, they will be asked to beat themselves up until they give themselves a bloody nose, lost a tooth, or call themselves a girlie man.
Other ‘crimes’ have more specific demands. For instance, if a bully gave a Geek a wedgy, the Geek is allowed to own his wife as a sex slave for a week. Breaking someone’s glasses is a ten thousand dollar fine. Those that have knocked over lunch trays will be forced to sleep in a bog naked until they are hungry enough to eat their own ear wax.
Of course in the face of these extreme and very silly demands, these former bullies were planning to unilaterally refuse to comply. This all changed when the Geeks informed the world that if they did not comply they would shut down the web and cripple the world’s economy.
General Mitchum agreed to be interviewed by the Discord, mostly because we have Geeks of our own and if he refused to talk to us, we were going to demand that he wear a bikini filled with fireworks and light them all off while singing Last Train to Clarksville.
AB: “So General Mitchum, is shutting down the internet possible? And if that happens will the government step up to supply us with free porn?”
GM: “I’ve learned to not put anything past Geeks. Geek is the new super solider. The modern Captain America is named Gilbert Poindexter and holds a net-pad and can down terrorist pod locations faster than I can reload an M-4.”
AB: “So are you saying we will have to bow to their demands and also what about the porn?”
GM: “Yes, I’m afraid we will and I have soldiers rounding up the people on these lists as we speak. Everyone that gave someone a purple-nurple is having their butt shaved and we already have enough ass hair to fill an airplane hanger.”
AB “Are there any threats to US security involved here?”
GM: “Some, but it could certainly be worse. If George W. was still commander and chief we might be in serious trouble, he is currently being forced to wash ten thousand pairs of soiled underwear, but luckily for us Obama is actually as Geek and no charges have been leveled against him.”
AB: “Good to know. Will there be any repercussions against the Geeks? And with there any chance you could loan me a Black Hawk?”
GM: “Stop that, and no I’m a afraid not. If we fight back a new wave of Geeks will get revenge on us and there are more all the time. This isn’t the world I grew up in when you could give someone a nuggy ambulance and they only thing they’d say is ‘yes sir,’ while they handed over their lunch money.”
AB” General, I just got a text from my Geek friend and he says you have to give me a Black Hawk. And thirty Poindexter have also demanded that you are only allowed to eat pinto beans for three months.”
GM: “Son of a bitch!”
So I need to wrap this up because I’m about to take a long flight. Hmmm…where to go first. Bald Tony and Max Chaos live in Vegas, perhaps I should go there first and then maybe on to Crescent City the beeches are so nice there this time of year. And then…