Aliens Pledge to Destroy the Human Race as a Favor to Dolphins
Miami Florida: Dolphin researcher Dr. Holly Hotalot made a startling announcement to the press, late this afternoon. “I was shocked to discover that many of the world’s dolphins and porpoises have been talking to an alien race know only as the Usukko for quite some time now. More surprising was how much these lovable creatures have been bad-mouthing us. Forget about a ride to shore if you’re drowning these days, for Flipper just wants to flip us off and get our polluting ways gone and they have asked the Usukko’s help in making it happen.”
When asked how she could communicate with the animals, Dr. Hotalot said, “Duh, I’ve been talking to them for years,” and they proceeded to let loose a series of beeps and chips until she was escorted off the stage. Everyone would have considered it a bad joke until military ships began to disappear across the globe and the price of tuna went up.
Most experts believe that these Usukko consider these sea mammals to be the most advanced species on the planet while humans rank somewhere between leeches and foot fungus. Professor William Lynn had this to say. “Like other parasites, these aliens feel we as a species should be cleansed so that the honorable animals can go on living without contamination, or silly movies being made about them.”
The Earth God Yig’s spokeman, Jack Primus, gave a speech in Washington DC on the front steps of a local bar called Spankies. “Don’t let their friendliness toward those fish eating freaks fool you. Anything in the ocean is suspect. Porpoises have been trying to fool us for years, but they are nothing but shiny smiling Deep Ones who are obviously in league with Cthulhu. And don’t get me started on the Usukkos. They suck alright and are probably in league with the Migo. They sent crawdads here to be their spies decades ago. The only animals you can trust are reptiles and not even all of them, because I loaned twenty bucks to a California King Snake and he never gave is back. Red next to black, friend to Jack, my ass!”
When asked what the US military intended to do to combat this threat, General John Mitchum had this to say. “We intend to build concentration camps for all sea mammals and put them to work crushing down aluminum cans with their tails. See we are environmental. If they want to betray their planet, that’s what they get. We are also making huge aquariums to be suspected over our major cities, so if these off-world scum try to attack, they will have to kill their precious baby drowning sea trash first and we will have the biggest fish fry in history.”
When asked if we would be striking back, he said, “Yep.” When asked to elaborate, he replied that he was almost done watching Independence Day and would let us know when he was finished.
In the mean time, thousands of ‘Right to Lifers’ have taken to protesting at the nations beaches, holding up signs toward the ocean and yelling, “Go back to the big Dipper because we hate you Flipper.” Where and when this threat will end is unknown, but I am going to change into my dolphin suit any hide off the coast of Bermuda just in case.