Cthulhu Sends a Giant Migo Invasion to Stop the Release of Jack Primus’ Second Book
Washington DC: Jack Primus has been coming under a lot of fire over the past several days as hordes of the tentacle ridden maggoty fungi, know as the Migo, (no relation to Cher) have assaulted humans all over the globe and destroyed the Romney family’s endangered species petting zoo. Firearms have little affect on this interstellar menace and Jack’s advice that soldiers just ‘chop them into small bits’ isn’t winning him any new friends.
While the rest of the world is hunting down Jack in the hopes of offering him up to the Migo in order to stave off this destruction, ask him to father their child, or serve him with court papers for confusing Rush Limbagh with a Spawn of Sud-Nigarath and encasing him in ice, I found Jack lounging in front of the local pub called Scallywags.
Alex: “Hello Jack, how strange seeing you here.”
Jack: “Well, I do work here. At least I have since all that gold Yig gave me ran out and my former squeeze changed the locks on her door. She didn’t like it when I became a serpent during sex. Chicks these days. If it fits, what’s the problem?”
Alex: “Really, Stalwarts such as yourself still have jobs? I thought with your new book coming out you’d never have to work another day in your life other than maybe lifting your cuter fans onto the back of your Harley.”
Jack: “I didn’t write that book. Griffiths is stealing all my ideas and not giving me a cent. I heard he had enough money after one of his book signings that he and Zano could afford a whole bucket of chicken wings. He sent me the bones in the mail—bastard.”
Alex: “So how do you feel about the big C sending the Migo after you? And can I get Loni’s number?”
Jack: “No, and he can come after me whenever he wants, the damn parasite. I prefer an honest fight. If these off-world scum think that they can just come down here and walk all over—insert seventeen minute rant against aliens here—And another thing they all smell like Tom Cruise shoved a sock up his ass and then let it soak in a shallow swamp for a week.”
Alex: “So what is it about the second Chronicles of Jack Primus, which is available on Amazon and is being released on September 1st that has them all fired up?”
Jack: “For one thing, it doesn’t portray the scum of evil in a handsome light. These days Vampires sparkle, werewolves make good boyfriends, and ghosts make people horny. It won’t be long before zombie prostitutes are on every corner. Ron Paul already uses them for all his house parties. What a load of crap. Vampires would rather tear out your neck than snuggle and the closest some chick will ever get to a werewolf is when he is shitting her out the next day.”
Alex: “Does you book expose their weaknesses?”
Jack: “Hail Yig, it does. No one likes to be hit between the eyes with a sledge hammer. My book also lets the reader know what their strengths are as well. Dyevils use fire, Selectors move like Ninjas on meth, and Darcarre prefer blondes.”
Alex: “If you had to sum up the book…”
Jack: “It’s a non-stop, kick ass, explosion of action where I prove to everyone who America’s next heartthrob hero is and order cheese steaks a lot.”
Alex: “Any plans on how you’re going to stop this Migo invasion?”
Jack: “Oh yeah, but I can’t tell you because some of their crawdads allies have learned to read, but I will say it involves Northern Arizona, a volcano, blowing up a dam and eight-thousand tons of butter. Oh shoot, here comes a few dozen Migo now. Time to step up, Boneman, I got an extra hammer you can use.”
Alex: “Damn it, why does Zano get all the haunted pub assignments?