Romney Campaign Targets Undead Vote
Washington DC: Despite every effort to displace the incumbent, Romney’s political advisers were not favoring his chances to win the election as it currently sits. That was, until they discovered an overlooked voting population, the Undead, and in this case that term is not referring to Mormons.
When asked to elaborate on this new strategy, his ‘Special Projects’ campaign manager Vincent Drake had this to say. “This is all on the up and up, or at least focusing on the undead that are up and walking around. We aren’t pulling any tricks here. These are all registered voters. If you’re a registered voter and you can pull the lever then you can vote. We had some issues with zombies without limbs or even losing their hands in the machine, but that’s a price Romney is willing to pay to save this country and make it safe for the wealthiest one percent again.”
When pressed on whether the deceased vote was legitimate, Drake grew angry. “That would just be like you leftist tree hugging, welfare mom loving, gay sex having, drug taking, non-murdering scum. Undead have rights too, but you can’t be bothered with that can you, you prejudiced Breathers First freaks. You’re too busy worrying about people that can’t take care of themselves to be concerned about people that worked their entire lives, but are now just Life-Impaired. You liberals make me sick.”
After I got Drake to stop trying to hit me, I asked him why Romney thinks that he would be getting the majority of the undead votes? “Well, we aren’t using necromancy at all, if that’s what you are implying. In fact, the Romney campaign has only a few dozen necromancers in its employ. Obama is probably too good to hire wizards that fiddle with dead bodies, which again proves his prejudice against people different from him, I might add.”
“Undead from Vampires to Zombies just love Romney. Think of all the things they have in common.”
- They both don’t care anything about human rights.
- Neither group wants to waste precious tax dollars keeping people alive through health care.
- Undead never get abortions.
- God sometimes gives undead profits gold for no real reason too.
- Like Romney undead have no soul.
- Romney cannibalizes businesses for money, while zombies are just cannibals.
- Like the super-rich, vampires drain the life out of the living and leave them a weak impoverished husk.
- Like Republicans undead love a drawn out war, ‘them bodies is good eating.’
- They both like to take advantage of helpless females.
- And the final reason the undead live Romney is because like them, he is cold hearted.
I found Jack Primus speaking at the Serpents for Yig convention and asked if he would like to present an opposing point of view. “It makes sense. Romney sucks the life out of everything he touches and wants to leave the United States a desolate wasteland where the uber-rich hide behind their walls while the rest of us fight for scraps. Every election the Republicans present a candidate eviler than last time. I thought no one could be stupider or more foul than George W, but then Palin reared her diabolical head. Now Romney makes her look like vegetarian that takes in orphans. I suppose after this election the Republicans will really have to work to top themselves. Ed Gien 2016, I’ll put Soylent Green in every household!”
So as you can see the Romney campaign might just be getting the shot in the arm they need and just like Reanimator their election hopes could be rising from the dead to take a big bite out of Obama and keep America ranked number 1 in its race for mindless consumption.