Romney Pledges to Increase Taxes for Nation’s Homeless By Alex Bone
Washington, DC—In an unexpected move, the Romney campaign announced its intension to be the first administration ever to levy a tax on our nation’s homeless. Romney claims to have a five point plan to save America, or at least the nicer, Mormon friendly parts (MFP).
Mitt Romney said, “For too long the domicile-impaired have lived in our refrigerator boxes without paying a dime of rent. This shifts more of the burden unnecessarily, and quite unfairly, to the one percent. And some of my friends can’t even afford another car elevator these days. Think about that for a minute. No, my fellow Americans, the wealthiest can’t pay another dime, or we won’t even be able to hire someone to operate said car elevator. But what about the poorest one percent? Shouldn’t they pay just a little more for the greater good?”
Romney’s ‘Special Projects’ campaign manager, Vincent Drake, said “Once Romney is elected his five point strategy will shift some of the revenue generation back to those who haven’t been earning their keep. First these bums will have to prove how they have been eating, where they are sleeping, and most importantly where they are dropping their loads.”
Romney shared the details of his Operation Cardboard Box with reporters today:
- All Dumpster-dived food will be re-taxed. The poor are still getting a great deal, but we’ll get some much needed revenue. For too long they have gotten by on food that has only been taxed once. This ends this January. If you eat it, you will be taxed. I’m thinking of calling it a regurgitax.
- Park Benches, shanty towns, and squats of all kinds will now be rented. These will remain very low rents as we’re not trying to be unreasonable here. We’re certainly not looking for anyone to have to downgrade to newspapers.
- There will be a small fee for newspaper blankets as well, because otherwise folks might move out of their spacious refrigerator boxes just to avoid their civic responsibilities. And I won’t have it!
- All public defecation will be taxed. Yes, this used to be illegal, but our hearts are going out to these poor bastards. Instead of tossing them in jail, there will now be a fee for relieving yourself in public. We are thinking about 25¢ per pee and for a deuce we will be looking for a cool buck…or a hot and steamy buck, I suppose. We all know how much the homeless drink, so this could make great strides toward relieving the burden on our defecate…er, our defishit…oh, you get the idea.
- I am so excited about my fifth point, but I can’t tell you about it until after the election, but believe me the slacking 47% won’t know what hit them.
In closing, the Romney Campaign promised to hold all Americans accountable, “Because how are we going to be able to engage in an unnecessary war every few years unless all Americans are willing to pull their weight? Urine alone can get us mired in another land war in Syria or Iran. Talk about a trickledown theory. If I get my way, the shit is going to hit the Iran,” said Romney.