National Safety Council to discontinue CPR claiming it is too gross.
Behind the Dumpster, Washington DC: The National Safety Council has announced its intension to officially discontinue CPR as a life saving technique. William Lynn, a spokesperson for the council states, “I used to be an EMT and I can tell you putting my lips over some fat dying slob is disgusting. And the damn thing never worked anyway. Admittedly, I never used the official 30 Compressions and 2 Breaths. I preferred the Hollywood method when you just hit them on the chest a few times and if they don’t revive right away you just give up.”
The council is now asking all hospitals across America to cease trying to revive the victims of heart attacks. The chief surgeon at John Hopkins, Dr. Cardonis, had this to say. “If you revive them, then you have to pay for them. Being dead is so much cheaper and gives us more elbow room around here. Think of all the money we are saving the taxpayers and more importantly the insurance companies. I mean seriously, everyone is always bitchin’ about overpopulation anyway, am I right or what?”
William Lynn goes on to point out, “This will give us one less lame requirement for that damned Joint Commission and we’ll be able to fire all those useless trainers. Think of the cost in overhead we are slashing and we are going to turn the training room in a wet bar for the surgeons.”
When asked about the Hippocratic Oath, Dr. Cardonis had this to say. “What the hell did those stupid Greeks know? Come on, Hermes flew around in his underwear. I hate those guys. They never had to deal with insurance companies. Saving someone takes ten times as much paperwork, instead of just letting them croak. If they are meant to live they should do it on their own. Who died and made me God? Like I should be wasting my time making your heart beat. Do it yourself, you lazy bum. Please, if you don’t have the motivation to make your own heart beat, don’t come crying to me when you die.”