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Discord to Use Black Magic to Increase Ratings

Tezcatlipoca Will Awaken

Tezcatlipoca Will Awaken

 

Collapsing Shack Arizona: In an attempt to compete with media giants like The Onion, Fox News, and Quilting Monthly, The Daily Discord disclosed they will now be using the dark arts in an attempt to gain more followers. The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, had this to say. “I’ve been having some trouble funding my seventh home which is being built on a private island off the coast of Bermuda and two of my Swedish mistresses are asking for boob jobs, so I figured we needed to up the stakes a little here. I always see that Bone character lighting black candles in the basement when I’m getting my third bottle of wine before lunch, so I figured what the hell, let’s try to get some help from Hell.”

 

Anything For Comedy

Anything For Comedy

 

I found Mick Zano rummaging through the trash trying to find cans to recycle for beer money and he chimed in. “It can’t hurt, unless he summons a demon and that could still be cool, especially if it is a succubus or something.” When asked if the site’s hits had improved, he quickly threw up on my shoes and asked to excuse himself.

I caught up with myself and I had this to say. “I’ve been a follower of the great dark God Tezcatlipoca for quite some time now and he assures me that as soon as the End of Days arrives all other news stations will be leveled and the Discord will control news throughout the globe. When I asked him if he could increase our views before that, he mumbled something about that damn Yig and disappeared into a cloud of inky smoke.”

Winslow had already left for his qyarterly three month vacation and I still had not discovered whether our ratings had actually increased through all my dark efforts. I found Bald Tony trying to break into Winslow’s office and after he stammered something about forgetting his paperclip on Winslow’s desk, I asked him if he had heard any updates on how our ratings faired. “Ah, I ah… will you look at the time, I’m late for a visit to the barber, I gotta go.”

Shadows of Tezcatlipoca

Shadows of Tezcatlipoca

 

I found Mick Zano rummaging through the trash trying to find cans to recycle for beer money and he chimed in. “It can’t hurt, unless he summons a demon and that could still be cool, especially if it is a succubus or something.” When asked if the site’s hits had improved, he quickly threw up on my shoes and asked to excuse himself.

I caught up with myself and I had this to say. “I’ve been a follower of the great dark God Tezcatlipoca for quite some time now and he assures me that as soon as the End of Days arrives all other news stations will be leveled and the Discord will control news throughout the globe. When I asked him if he could increase our views before that, he mumbled something about that damn Yig and disappeared into a cloud of inky smoke.”

Winslow had already left for his qyarterly three month vacation and I still had not discovered whether our ratings had actually increased through all my dark efforts. I found Bald Tony trying to break into Winslow’s office and after he stammered something about forgetting his paperclip on Winslow’s desk, I asked him if he had heard any updates on how our ratings faired. “Ah, I ah… will you look at the time, I’m late for a visit to the barber, I gotta go.”

Feeling more frustrated than ever, I was about to go drown my sorrows in the wine cellar, because Tezcatlipoca had promised to leave the door open for me, when I saw the Discord’s newest writer, T-Ballz, wandering the halls. “Hey Ballz, what are you doing?”

“Looking for a place to piss, doesn’t this building have any bathrooms?”

“No, Winslow said that they were a waste of money, besides when the Discord tower was being built, he was also constructing a second rollercoaster for his children’s private amusement park. We usually just piss out the windows.”

“Sounds good to me. Let’s smoke a J and then use the Xerox to make copies of our-”

“Hey wait, have you heard if our rating have gone up?”

“My friend, Vealatarian, who’s under house arrest, said he reads the Discord all the time, but then again he isn’t allowed to leave his room.”

So there you have it, my spells have obviously begun to work and soon the whole world will bow to our daily wisdom. “Hey, don’t Bogart that thing. Oh man, why does it smell like urine?”

 

For more comedy. Check out The Daily Discord

 

To see more of my writing, Jump  Here!

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2 Responses to “Discord to Use Black Magic to Increase Ratings”

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