Gun Enthusiasts Use Threat of Zombies to Justify Arsenals
Washington DC:Nearly a dozen well-armed and unwashed men have gathered at a local pub in Washington to demand that the President keep their hands off their firearms. Their claim is that every American will need all the guns and Coors they can get their hands on, because the Zombie Apocalypse is bound to happen any day now.
I caught up with their spokesman, William Lynn and he had this to say. “Obama can have my gun when he becomes a zombie and grabs it with his cold dead fingers. With Z Day just around the corner, we need to be stacking up on weapons, not taking them away because a few people are wasting kids. Hell, those will be a few less Zeds for us to kill later.”
When I asked why he thought zombies were real, Lynn punched me in the mouth and tried to break his beer bottle over my head. After being restrained, he yelled down at me while I hid under a table. “You’re an idiot and a walker lover. We just saw a zombie last night. He was leaving this bar and weaving all over the place. When we grabbed him, he puked all over Dicko, just like those infected in 28 Days Later.”
Later, I contacted Michael D. Griffiths, author of Eternal Aftermath, and an expert on the Zombie Apocalypse. “First off, guns are for wimps. Any loser can pull a trigger and if you rely on guns, you’ll get cocky and soon the undead will be scooping out your brains and then playing drunken soccer with your skull. Real men wade into the battle with a broad sword, because they don’t run out of bullets and chicks dig men with big swords. While the gun lovers are racing around thinking they can shot their way through a hundred walkers to get another case of warm beer, I’ll be off in the woods eating crawdads, playing horseshoes, smoking weed, and building a Dionysian paradise.”
I brought the two men together to work out their differences.
Lynn: “I will be safe in my bunker, walker-bait.”
Michael: “What a blast, hope you brought a lot of porn.”
Lynn: “I have an anti-zombie vehicle that kicks ass and has an ice chest for my Coors.”
Michael: “Sounds great until you run into the first road jammed with abandoned vehicles and that will take about two minutes. But then you can just start shooting and attract every zombie in a five mile radius, but I’m sure a man like you will be fine. You’ll be able to retreat back into you rolling metal coffin.”
Lynn: “I’m going to shove that sword up your…”
Things digressed from there, so I went off to interview General Mitchum. “Whether it is a fascist take over, a Zombie Apocalypse, or that damned Jason Beiber making an army of Twilight loving pre-teens of doom, there will always be a threat that gun nuts think will justify their right to bare enough arms to equip a third world army. All we would need to do is leave a six pack of Silver Bullet and a bag of pork rinds on their porch, then go in while there are passed out and take the whole lot from them. But we like gun nuts because they are one of the only groups that make the military seem smart in comparison.”
So is the threat of the dead starting to walk around with a taste for human flesh a justifiable reason to have firearms and keep blondes locked in your bunker? Only time will tell. But we all get ready for the upcoming outbreak in our own way and mine personal choice is watching reruns of Scooby Doo, eating chicken wings, and doing huge bong hits. In the end, we will see who’s really ready.