Frankenstein Seeks Counseling Due to Declining Popularity
Collapsing Shack Arizona: After thirty-three failed suicide attempts, the creature known as the Frankenstein Monster was admitted to a local acute care unit. When asked why he had done such things as light his whole body on fire, encase himself in ice for a week, and watch the Christmas Story marathon while eating one hundred buckets hot chicken wings the monster had this to say.
“It isn’t fair. I’ve been around longer than Dracula for Christ’s sake. Does anyone care about me anymore? No. I thought that things might be turning around when Deniro played me in that movie. But that was just a flash in the pan and in the last fifteen years there hasn’t been zip.”
“Hell, I was used to competing against the Vampires and Werewolves, but it’s really these zombies that piss me off the most. What do you think I am? I’m a walking corpse, that’s what. Should I have bitten that little girl before I tossed her down into the well?”
“Everybody loves these damned serial killers too. Maybe I’ll just kill a few hundred screen writers and then I’ll get some notice. I’ll be half zombie half serial killer. That will show them.” Then the fierce creature got quite. “I hope. Hey are you going to finish that doughnut?”
“And don’t even get me started on these new Vampires. I remember fighting Vampires right before I hung out with Abbott and Costello, now those guys were funny, not like you jerks at the Discord. In the old days, Vampires were evil nasty things. They’d tear out your throat and make you cry in terror. Now they are these sexy sensitive things that shimmer in the daylight and want to date virgins. If I get my hands on that Stephanie Meyer bitch, I’ll throw her down a well.”
When I asked Franky what his future plans were, he replied. “Well, for one, I intend to start eating people. Not because I like the taste, but it just seems to be what people are into these days. I’m also going to try to be more sensitive. Do you think they’d let me go to high school? I mean they should. I never did get my degree. Oh yeah, I’m also going to say brains a lot. And that mass murder thing. If figure if I cover all the bases they’ll have to like me again.”
When I mentioned he had forgotten about Werewolves, Aliens, and killer cyborgs, Frankenstein grew angry and tried to bite my arm. I attempted to escape, but he grabbed me and threw me into a well. Now I have been forced to write this whole article on my cell phone. I called Winslow to help me get out, but he said he would not send Zano until he got the article, that bastard.