Alex Bone Becomes Arizona’s Advocate Promoting Homelessness
Down the Road from the Collapsing Shack Arizona: In a freakish turn of events Alex Bone has declared that he is sick of these foolish ‘responsibilities’ and ‘obligations’ and had not only become homeless himself, but is working on a statewide movement for others to join him.
The Discord caught up to Alex as he was hiding from the police behind a dead tree in the woods south of the Little America hotel. We asked him what brought about his decision to become homeless.
“It wasn’t just because I didn’t have the money to pay my rent and they threw me out. There is way more to it than that. These days they expect you to pay for your home, pay for your utilities, pay for your food, and even your sex.”
We asked him about that last part. “Yeah sex, the only reason you need a place is because chicks dig beds and heating and all that sissy stuff. From now on I’m only going to go with chicks that dig me for me,” he said as he pulled some cobwebs off his face, “not just because I’m not wet when it rains, not freezing when it’s cold, or don’t eat rotting food from a dumpster.”
“And another thing,” he said after emptying his six dollar bomber with one long pull. “Paying bills is stupid. The Native Americans didn’t have bills. Land of the free my ass, how about land of the bills. I’m not quitting my job, so don’t call me a bum, I’m just going to keep all my money for me. I’ve just been at it for a while now and I already have an extra two thousand dollars in my bank account. Suck on that Arizona Power Service! Now if the bank would only let me in so I could get some of that money. I mean, so what if I smell a little.”
When we asked how he was able to keep his job without bathing and such, Alex Bone had this to say. “By Yig’s scaly beard, I’ll have enough money now to buy a new shirt every day if I needed to, but I prefer to wash my clothes in the company’s bathroom sink while I’m washing my feet in the toilet. They’re always encouraging us to multi-task anyway, right. I’m starting to get a few weird looks, but it’s worth it, believe me. I have so much money now that I treated myself to two twelve packs last night, that’s almost a case, woo hoo!”
When we asked about his Anti-Home Movement he had this to say. “The AHM is all about taking your freedom back. Screw wasting money each month just to have a place to rest. I can rest just fine under a bridge and I have so much money I can use my wallet as a pillow, bitchies.”
We asked what he would do with all that money, if he had no place to keep his stuff? “I mostly just liked drinking beer when I got home anyway. I worked my ass off to have a place to drink my beer. Screw it, I just cut out the middle man and if I drink enough I don’t notice how cold it gets. In your face UNS Gas!”
In closing Bone added. “I’m finally free. The man doesn’t own me. Hey, where are you guys going? If you let me take a shower at your place I won’t smell so bad, really. Maybe I could crash there too. I need to charge my laptop. Oh come on, I’ll buy the beer. Did I mention that homelessness is the new rich?”