America’s newest trend: Anti-life Coaches
Collapsing Shack Arizona: Life Coaching is a quickly growing offshoot of the counseling field for quite some time now. Life Coaches help people reach for their true goals while taking their money so they have less capital to do so. And another plus, they do not need any silly credentials to practice either. Mottos for Life Coaching can be as simple as ‘Reach for your full potential’ or ‘I’m so special I deserve to do whatever I want and to hell with the rest of you.’
However, just as the Life Coaching craze is reaching new heights, a new type of coaching is hitting the scene, the Anti-Life Coach. We at the Discord tracked down one of these new pioneers, named William Lynn and he was more than happy to fill us in. “Life Coaching builds people up, how stupid is that? Like Americans have any problems with positive self esteem, please. Have you seen the kids these days? They want cell phones at age six and it had better be a smart phone or some parent will have enough laxative poured into their drink to make a hippo crap an elephant”
“I think it’s far more vital to explain to people why they suck and aren’t really all that important. I mean aren’t we all just a bunch of money grubbing sheep just like our neighbors and we’re all going to be dying in a few years anyway. Damn it people, get over yourselves.”
When I asked Mr. Lynn how often his services were being used, he laughed in my face and called me a broke loser before continuing. “There aren’t enough hours in the week to shoot down all the pompous a-holes I see on the streets every day, but to answer your question; most of my clients are currently teens. Teenagers are well known for their ‘know everything’ attitude and their undeserved feelings of entitlement. Some parents will pay a fortune for me to take these brats down a couple of notches and I get a bonus if they leave my office in tears.”
Others are less fond of this new school of coaching. Dr. Moonmurmur Freecloud had this to say. “Lynn’s idea that Americas need to be brought down instead of up is ridiculous. Just because we are the richest nation on Earth does not mean people don’t have feelings. Why just the other day, my Mercedes was in the shop and I was forced to drive our Cadillac SUV to the office, how embarrassing. I thought I’d never recover. My therapist heard an earful over that one, let me tell you. Oh could you excuse me, the heiress Cullenta is here and I need to help her come to grips with her confused feelings over which of her three vacation homes she will be using this summer.”
Delving deeper into this new Anti-Life trend helped me discover a laundry list of ‘issues’ Anti-Life Coaching claims to be able to help one overcome. This list includes: Thinking you are always right, Grandiosity, Being happy, Positive self-esteem, Entitlement, Lack of self-loathing, Chronic lack of self-loathing, Feeling better than others, Not wanting to kill yourself, Failure to self criticize, Not over-analysizing your every move, Unrealistic goals, Positive Body Image, and Thinking you could still be a rock star, artist, sports hero, author, or spoof news journalist.
Lynn summed it up thusly. “We’re just giving you a reality check. Face it, in the grand scheme of things most of us are just boring losers. America tried to drill it into our heads that we are special and bound for great things and glory, but most likely you’re just going to veg in front of the TV in a messy room you are too lazy to clean.”
Then Lynn started to insult me, claiming that he had read my work and stated that I was way to full of myself. I told him he was obviously an imbecile for not recognizing my genius and then punched him in the ear. In the ensuing battle he kept criticizing my fighting techniques, which just made me punch him harder. One of his lackeys called the police and I’m writing this article from the jail library. Winslow is refusing to bail me out thinking that I need to be taught some humility and is thinking about hiring an Anti-life coach for me. It figures.