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SJ and The Shovel Part III


“Help! I’m melting! I’m melting! Ohhhh, what a world…..”


First off

I’d like to thank Jack Primus for bringing out that cooler full of refreshments on his Harley. Yeah the bevies were nice, but it was really the cooler that came in handy. I was not sure how much longer Little Wax head Boy was going to last. This ice will not last to much longer either, but we are dripping candles into his face to try to bring his mass back up, but boy howdy the screaming does rattle the nerves.

Jack is talking about trying to build him some type of body. I’ll let him handle that, for I shudder to think about that funky head topping any sort of body. It is nice having another body guard around even a taciturn one like Jack. Although I think he is angry at me for bring him into this freak show. He just doesn’t understand the cash cow we are sitting on here.

Jack Primus

Jack Primus

Also much to Jack’s dismay the Seagull Dahtoe has taken a fancy to him and won’t leave his side, or at least didn’t until Jack started hunting up snakes. It is quite a sight to see that tall leather clad stalwart walking through the desert being followed by a dozen rattlers. I’m not sure what SJ thinks about all that.

Don’t tell SJ I said this, but sometimes I think I am the only sane person here. SJ just hangs out talking to the shovel and caressing it. They share secrets that I’m sure I don’t want to know. Also strange things are happening at night. I see dark shapes in the hills. They are getting closer each night. Sometimes I think I hear them brushing up against the house.

If anyone out there is getting this message we could use some help out here or at least more ice.

rattler II



Please pardon the interruption but someone needs to come get this seagull out of my garage. I can’t get my car out and I’m late for work.




He must be hiding from all of Jack’s rattlers. I’ll see what I can do with this bag of Bugles. He loves these things.


Now there are Bugles scattered all over my front yard, my cat’s hiding under the rosebush, there’s seagull poop all over my porch and he won’t come down off the roof!

Someone call an ambulance too, please, there’s an unconscious man in my front yard.

Well, Shovel is getting mightily ticked off out here in the desert, now that Mike’s mad Aunt Maud has kicked us out. She got fed up with the rattlers invading the place, apparently.

And while it might’ve been as homely as the Bates Motel – it certainly beat trying to catch some zeds in Mike’s little 2-man tent with Mr It’s-my-tent-so-I’m-taking-the-best-spot. Along with Little Wax Head Boy – though he’s less chatty about floors since he’s now at least 70% candlewax. Catch is, he’s now obsessed with candleholders…

At least we don’t have Jack Primus in with us. Being way too tough to sleep under canvas, he has erected a shelter using cacti, snakeskins and boulders. Still, I s’pose I shouldn’t moan too much about him. If it wasn’t for Jack, we’d be dead as Mike’s survivalist skills are nearly as sucky as his navigating – so we’re still wandering around this dustbowl, while Mike keeps holding the map upside down and telling us that we’ll hit the outskirts of Nevada any hour, now… And before you ask – no – he won’t let Jack look at it.

Meantime, thanks to Jack, we’re gagging down cactus juice (disgusting, in case you wondered…) and chewing on roasted rattler. And let me tell you, anyone try and kid you that they taste like chicken is overloaded on WAY too much strong sun and liquor.

There was a nasty moment last night when Jack demanded that I use Shovel to dig the ‘offices’ for the team. I explained that Shovel didn’t do that stuff any more. But Jack just grabbed Shovel and stomped off.

He’s still being all sulky and not talking to me. Reckons I shouldn’t have bitten his ear. What he doesn’t realise is that I probably saved his life. He DOESN’T want to upset Shovel. No one seems to get that Shovel has POWERS. I mention them to Mike and he just gives me more of those candy-pink pills that have me dribbling and seeing double…

Dahtoe disappeared sometime yesterday. And then this morning, we’ve got a series of VERY grumpy phone messages from CW, complaining about his behaviour. Honestly – some people!!! WHAT does she think we’re gonna do about controlling Dahtoe from out here??

Unless she can work out where we are?

Hey, CW… Over here!! HELP!


But Jack just grabbed Shovel and stomped off.


That must have hurt when he ripped Shovel off of you. I guess the surgery wasn’t all that successful. Or did he drag you along too?

I’d be happy to help you, SJ, but there’s an enraged seagull banging on my living room window with its beak, trying to break in and terrorize my cat! Excuse me, I have to call PETA and make them come get this bird.

Hey navigation skills are just fine.

I know exactly where we are. As long as we make it to Vegas in time for the press conference, we will be fine. When they see this Shovel it is going to be a freeeeee ride. Besides think of all the money we are saving walking there and making our own food. It is okay to rough it when you know how rich you will be soon.

As far as Dahtoe goes, I sent him out to get more ice, but to harass Crystalwizard. Why is he in Texas. They probably have less ice than we do. Oh wait, we are out of ice. That is probably why Jack is so grumpy because now all his beer is warm.

Even worse though, Little Wax Head is melting again. I was so tried after hiking last night that I accidentally tried to use him as a pillow. I don’t think I’ll ever get all this wax out of my hair. I keep trying to get SJ to spike it up into a mohawk for me, but she has to run everything through Shovel first, so it takes forever. You think Little Wax Head Boy has a big mouth…that shovel won’t ever shut up or at least that is what SJ tells me.

Listen this camping is not that bad. Only three more weeks until the press conference, I’m sure we will all be fine.

Crystalwizard Tie a bucket of ice around Dahtoe’s legs and send him back will you before Little Wax head melts all over the tent.


I can’t tie a bucket of Ice to Dahtoe’s legs, Mike. He just flew off with my cat! However I’ve put in a call to the Nevada forest service and let them know there’s a raging fire near your location. They should be showing up with something to cool you all off any time now.


Uh Oh

I’m not sure Jack likes cats, but some of his snakes might. Still we could use some help catching extra kangaroo rats for them to eat. Everyone around here tries to pull their share of the work, except for The Shovel of course. That thing would not do a lick of work even if it meant keeping the sun from going supernova!

I’m not sure calling the fire fighters was a good idea. I’m not sure those Hotshots will like what they find out here. It is so peaceful and quiet, part of me wonders why was are trying to get to Vegas anyways.

I’m going to be happy to see Dahtoe again. That little guy has grown on me. Still, I ask him to do a simple thing–go off and get ice– and he ends up in Texas. Sheesh.

Things are strange out here though. I’m really starting to believe The Shovel does have powers. According to my calculations was crossed 500 miles of desert on foot in just a few days. All this without seeing anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I am still on Earth and I’m starting to be able to hear the Shovel now. It does not talk to me yet, but keeps humming old Cream tunes.


Thanks CW! That roasted cat was delicious! Nah… just kidding. Altho’ Jack was up for kitty stew, but Mike jumped up and down and made a big ol’ fuss. Said you’d get really upset & that you weren’t to be crossed. Shovel agreed. So I went along with the flow.

By the way – don’t know WHAT made you think that Shovel and me had been separated. Of course when Jack grabbed Shovel, I went along, too… How jer think I bit his ear???

The sun is shining – just for a change… Mike is in a really bad mood today on account of him now wearing Little Wax Boy as a hair product. When I suggested that it was probably stopping his hair from drying in the desert heat, he got outright sarky. And Shovel wasn’t as supportive as I’d expected.

Seems to me that he’s getting far too friendly with Mr. Don’t-you-worry-folks-it’ll-be-alright. Keeps mentioning that maybe I should have a more positive outlook. Right. FINE. As I told him – WHO rescued him from a lifetime of filthy servitude? WHO polishes him EVERY day without fail? WHO is his soulmate and companion forever???



Learn more about Jack Primus Here

If you are looking for more Comedy go here!


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