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Bike Rider’s Blues

Route 66.6:The modern age, where bucking the system to save a buck makes you a marauder at best or an iconoclastic pest. Or maybe even worse, an iconoclastic pest with a laptop. Cuz yeah, the laptop comes with me when my bicycle’s two tires pumped full of thorn and insult resistant rubber hits the road. I have only lost one laptop during its backpack travels. Please no one mention the salad dressing incident. It still gives me P.T.S.D. (Post Traumatic Salad Disorder)

 

Bone in the Vast

Bone in the Vast

Another thing that can give you P.T.S.D. is making the morning commute on a bike. The first thing I would like to point out to all combustible engine drivers, is that I didn’t live all these years, grind through a world of BS, keep my bike as well maintained as it is, just to kill myself under your tires this morning. No this isn’t a slam on your driving—just the opposite. I’d rather deal with a reckless driver that just races past me than someone that slows down, but doesn’t stop. Like he thinks I’ve never seen an oncoming car before and wouldn’t know what to do. Perhaps I’ll, just at that moment, while rushing to get to work, decide, “Why bother,” and dash myself under his tires on a whim.

 

Another thing that motorists have to realize is when I’m on a bike, everything is a road. If I did what I do on my bike while driving a car I would make the national news. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line or at least a wavering line and some times after happy hour a very wavering line. I ride as the crow flies, always looking for scraps of food.

 

There is another way riding a bike can save you money and that’s at the grocery store. You can’t by too much food at once if you have to hump it over a hill in a backpack after working all day and commuting ten miles. Hmm… should I buy potatoes or whip cream. I don’t need whip cream, but it is so much lighter and fluffier.

Bar Beer is best when it is free

As if risking your life is not enough, you can also get flack from the cops. I got stopped by a cop while riding my bike. “We heard someone riding a bike was committing crimes.”

 

“Um, if I call in and say someone driving a car is committing crimes will you stop everyone in a car?”

 

Everyone wants to avoid that DUI ticket when they had a few drinks, but think about it, I can’t kill people on my bike no matter how fast I ride and believe me, after a few beers I’m not riding too fast. So bike riding seems like a safer bet for all involved. So I get pulled over the other day and the cop says, “I want to give you a sobriety test.”

 

And I say, “Cool, I got a great idea for one. Why don’t I ride a bike?”

 

There is another eternal question that comes up when you are riding a bike. Am I a loser because I’m facing the elements while others are coasting in style or am I a righteous kick ass winner, because I motivated to wake up twenty minutes early and will be staying in better shape, while helping the environment, and even saving a few bucks. Now ladies before you answer or sneer at that fella you see bike riding, remember a few simple things. First, that guy is fighting his beer gut, can the dude in the sports car say the same thing? But perhaps even more important is stamina baby, stamina. Who’s going to be better in the sack? The guy risking his life to pump through the miles or the guy that takes the elevator to the second floor at work?

 

So does saving money and the environment while increasing my health make me cool or are you still pissed to see a biker breaking all the rules that you wish you could? But just remember when you see us out there and we tick you off, you had better stay in your car, because if you mess with us, we’ll kick your lazy fat ass and then ride over it.

 

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All Crawdads must be destroyed

All Crawdads must be destroyed

 

 

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