Breaking: Alex Bone Has an Alien Chest-Buster Living Inside Him
Collapsing Shack Arizona: This week, quiet unexpectedly, Alex Bone called for a press conference within the Discord Tower and almost four people showed up if you count Ballz and Zano. Once they had settled into the bean bag bunny chairs Winslow had the room filled with, Boneman cleared his throat and addressed the conference.
“I am announcing today that I have been infected with an Alien Chest-buster. As you may know, these beings typically eat their way through a person’s chest in a usually just a manner of hours. I, however, have survived with this one living inside me for over three weeks now!”
He raised a finger, as if to emphasize a point, but then quickly lowered it and raised a bottle of IPA instead. “How, you might ask, have I succeeded where others have failed and burst apart? It’s a simple combination of beer and hamburgers. I’ve found that as long as I drink about forty beers a day and eat ten hamburgers an hour, the little guy seemed content enough. I’ve named him Snookie-wookie.”
He stopped to rub his tummy, slam down a hamburger in three bites, and then chugged two beers. His eyes misted up a little. “The rest of you men have no idea what it is like to feel a life growing inside of you. It is a magical… oh we have a question. Yes Zano.”
Zano put his hand down and said, “Is this why all my beer has gone missing every night?”
Bone mumbled something and then yelled, “Next question.” When no one asked him anything, he looked at Ballz and said, “You had a question?”
“No I didn’t.”
“No, I think you did.”
After the silence stretched, Ballz said a few words under his breath, but then louder asked, “Don’t the aliens grow pretty quickly after they burst out of their victims? Why hasn’t this one just grown through you?”
“A very good question… I have no idea. Maybe it loves his new mommy.”
“And my beer,” Zano added.
After Bone kept his audience from wandering away with a promise of sharing his cheeseburger stash, he said, “So I’m sure all of you are wondering where we’ll be going from here.”
“Were you?” Zano asked Ballz.
Bone hurried down another hamburger, an IPA, and then held up a glossy covered book. The cover read, An Alien Inside, or Skip the Beer and Stand Clear. “A book signing tour of course! And after that the talk show circuit and after that… Hey, come back, I’m not done yet. Maybe you guys could try to dress up like Aliens when I open my new hamburger chain. I’m calling it Buster Burgers and each burger comes with a side of acid, for a dipping sauce. And you should see what we are using instead of fries. Guys… guys?”