The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War
Lilly Ponds Arizona, for the first time in six years the delightful chorus of frogs can be heard echoing up from the Lilly Ponds as long as you kick a few people to keep their snoring down.
The high priest of Yig had this to say. “Ever since the Migo introduced crawdads into the Lilly Ponds, Yig’s loyal followers have done everything in their power to eradicate this invasive species and also win as many horseshoe games as possible. Now, after six years of struggle and hundreds of man hours, the frogs have begun to return to this beloved paradise. I…” The interview was forced to cease here as the big Viking of Yig burst into girlish tears. He was only able to choke out, “I love those frogs, man.”
The crayfish spokesman, Kenny the Crawdad was less pleased. “This is a travesty. Why should ingenious life be given special privileges? We deserve to eat whatever we please, even if we wipe out whole species and then refuse to leave a tip. Besides we promote life too. With the frogs dwindling, the populations of mosquitoes and black flies have never been higher.”
We also reached local ranger, Muscles McFitness. “When I first saw Zano and Bone down there, I figured they were just breaking the law any way they could, but when a giant crawdad severed my right arm, I knew that something had to be done. So I moved to San Diego and now I could care less what happens to those losers.”
The mad scientist William Lynn was also less favorable in regards to these developments. “Do you know how hard it is to dump crawdads into every body of water and stream in a whole state? Importing fish from Louisiana helps, but we mostly use the flying fungi of Yuggoth.” Sighing, he continued, “First, I have to open a portal to another planet, coax them through with honey, eggnog, glow sticks, and naked pictures of Diane Sawyer. Then half the time they eat the crawdads before delivering them, or they just dump them in the back of San Pelipis and fly off to devour poodles and listen to Disco while making love to toadstools.”
Lastly we contacted Saint Poncho. “All life is sacred, except those damn Palo Verde beetles.” After a ten minute discussion, we redirected him back to crawdads. “As I was saying killing is always wrong, unless it is something you don’t like, such as crawdads and lawyers and those damn Cleveland Browns. I hate that team. I’m not sure who I’d even vote for if they were through into the ring with Crawdads. I’d prefer they both eat each other to death. And did you know that if a crawdad pinches you, you become a zombie?”
Reports still say they have a long way to go before the ponds and streams are cleared of this invasive menace, and they may have to run back into town for more beer and ice. Still the outlook appears good for the children of Yig and soon the lands might return to their natural state of beer, babes, Frisbee golf, and huge clouds of marijuana smoke drifting through the pines, oh yeah and frogs.