Parmesan Cheese to be the Newest Tool in the Battle against Drug Addiction,
Collapsing Cardboard Shack behind a dumpster, behind the White House: In one of the most unexpected moves of his Presidency, Obama announced today that the majority of America’s Drug addiction recovery funds will be transferred to a new and radical drug treatment that revolves around the use of Parmesan Cheese.
Apparently the idea is that all drugs and craving will be replaced by the use of Parmesan Cheese. Doctor William Lynn outlined the process for the press and us here at the Discord. “If you used to smoke meth, now you’ll be encouraged to smoke parmesan cheese. Used to snort coke, well now you can snort all the cheese you like. No cops, no hassle and at nearly 100% off the street price. What a deal for everyone especially cheese factories.”
Vincent Drake owner of Hidden Shadows Pharmaceuticals was quick to adjust his company’s approach. “We’ve already created a fresh batch of products and got a Twitter page for our new line of Parmaceuticals.”
The CEO of the Daily Discord yelled at me for almost two minutes before he sped off for another six week vacation at the zero gravity playboy mansion that circles Mars. “Damn it boy, if we had something like this back when I was in college, I could have become a lawyer instead of running this damn rag.”
Cokie had this to add. “If you snort enough parm, you can just sneeze on your pasta and be ready for dinner. Isn’t that nice,” she added with a smile.
Meth-Head-Moe felt less certain. “It could just be me, but besides the horrible burning when one snorts it, parmesan cheese doesn’t have the same effect as meth at all. I’m still jonesing really hard. Say, you got a couple of bucks I can barrow?”
Instead of India Pale Ale, IPAs will now stand for Ingesting Parmesanain Awesomeness. Zano, Ballz, I tried some. Ballz got so sick he had to move into Winslow’s bathroom, which is still three times the size of Ballz’s house and Zano just sat there and cried. I thought it was okay as long as you filled the bottle with macaroni.
So time will tell if this will work or if it is just an insidious plot to save the American cheese farmer. But since Obama is planning to retire in Wisconsin, who can really be sure?