Paranormal Entities Sue Discord over Rights Infringements
On the old sofa in Tony Ballz Basement: As you, our loyal Daily Discord fans are aware of, we at the Discord have been unraveling the truth behind local hauntings. Why just last month we discovered that nothing paranormal was present at Motherroad Brewing in Flagstaff. We shut this case after dedicating dozens of man hours staking the place out, but why they weren’t willing to pay for our services remains beyond me and may be the next thing we investigate there.
Yet just as we became recognized as paranormal investigators by almost a dozen people, our momentum ground to a halt and that usually only happens when Zano refuses to buy another round. This happened when our team was notified by Winslow that the Exestencail Ghosts for Assuming Dominance and Superiority (E-G.A.D.S.) had opened a legal claim against The Daily Discord. Winslow went on to say we were all fired, accept Cokie, and had to vacate the Discord Tower within nine minutes or be shot.
Lucky for us, Winslow had never allowed Ballz to move in so we could still crash in his basement as long as we promised not to touch anything, make any phone calls, use the internet, eat any of his food, use the shower or the bathroom, or touch anything. But more importantly, why were we being sued and by whom?
After an exhausting look through the phone book, we found the local chapter of E-G.A.D.S. I hopped on my bike and rode the fifty miles it would take to get there. Zano said he would have given me a ride, but new coffee shop had opened and he needed to check it out for a few days.
Upon reaching E-G.A.D.S., I was lead through a passageway built from tombstones into a small crypt that served as the office for a lawyer named Ecto P. Lasim. When asked why we were being sued, he had this to say. “We spirits of higher consciousness have taken great affront at your attempts to expose us and your jokes about zombie bird feeders. Such things will not be allowed to stand.”
When I asked him about all the other ghost busting shows, he replied. “Oh those ones are way off base, but if the secret of ecto-pilsner were to be made public, we’d be ruined or at least might have to pay our bar tab.”
Rubbing my brow for a moment, I looked at his floating form and said, “But won’t the fact that we are being sued by ghosts be the one thing that could really prove you exist?”
Then, before I knew what was happening, his head began to smoke and the building shook under my feet. So I added. “Everything I say is a lie. I am lying.” His body pulsed red and cracks appeared in the walls. “If God is all powerful, can he create a nipple so big that even he can’t suck it?”
Lasim screamed as he burst into a thousand pieces. The headquarters of E-G.A.D.S. collapsed around me, but it wasn’t too different to that last party we threw in Winslow’s mid-august home while he was on his two year cruise to Atlantis. I escaped with only minor injuries, but I barely noticed this for I had proven… that… ghosts…
Looking around I saw that no evidence remained. If only our cameraman hadn’t been busy making sure all our card decks had fifty three cards in them, he would have been here and we could have finally proved that ghosts do exist. But instead my bike was stolen by Elves and I had leprecons and serial killers harassing me on the long walk home. I tried to take pictures of them with my cell, but Winslow had canceled my cell phone service.