There’s Aliens in them there Hills, An Arizona Play
3 Bar Arizona: 3 Bar is at the eastern edge of the Four Peaks wilderness, which is past the eastern edge of Phoenix. It has a strong river, a good sized pool, and a waterfall all within walking distance of the camp. The area is rich with trees as well as desert scenery. Old roads and abandoned mines also dot the area. A few miles away Saguaros and other archetypical Arizona scenes are also available.
Scene 1: Bone, Madame Blackinswartz and Zano are walking down toward the waterfall.
Bone: “It’s nice to go somewhere without having to worry about making it into a movie.”
Madame Blackinswartz: “Then why is Greg filming us?”
Zano: “No, no, this isn’t one of our normal films. This is ah… an educational film. You could call it a documentary.”
Madame Blackinswartz: “You sure it isn’t a Mockumentry?”
Zano: “I don’t mock, I insult with style.”
As they banter, neither notices that Madame Blackinswartz has disappeared.
Bone: “What are you, Buzz Lightyear? But what are we here for anyway?”
Zano: “We’re looking for the Lost Dutchman Gold mine!”
Bone: “Um, dude, that’s in the Superstitions, which is about a hundred miles to the south.”
Zano: “Perhaps that’s why it has never been found.”
Scene 2: The pool and waterfall. Madame Blackinswartz is on the ledge above the waterfall playing the Didgeridoo.
Bone: “Wasn’t she just with us?”
Zano: “Nevermind that. What is she doing?”
Bone: “I think she’s trying to summon ghosts. I saw her do this in Coyote Buttes and I ended up getting attacked by twenty naked Utes who used yucca thorns as weapons. I got one stuck up my-”
Zano: “What were you doing up there with her? I told you we aren’t supposed to date the staff.”
Bone: “I ah… thought she was a consultant. That’s completely different.”
Scene 3: Saint Poncho bursting out of thick brush.
Saint Poncho: “You summoned me?!?”
Zano: “I think we were trying to summon ghosts.”
Bone: “This happened before in Ophir pass when-”
Zano: “How many dates have you two been on?”
Scene 4: Switch to the team running off into the woods.
Laser blasts hit a tree next to us and light it on fire.
Bone: “By Yig’s elongated fangs we’re being attacked!” The team sees two silver coated aliens with laser pistols running toward them. “And they’re aliens.”
Scene 5: Cut to Tony Ballz watching this scene on his computer
Tony: “Screw this I’m outta here.”
Zano: “Yes, and by Baccus’s beer soaked booty, we need to get out of here!”
Saint Poncho: “This way, I know a secret trail.”
Madame Blackinswartz: “He he. This will slow them down.” She plays the didgeridoo and they scream and cover there ears, as she scampers away.
Scene 8: Aliens climbing over rocks.
Bonerific: “What was that thing?”
Zanolopolus: “I’m not sure but my ears haven’t hurt so bad since I played hocha with the plant women of Midor.” —Loud canned laughter.—
Bonerific: “Yeah, yeah yeah, that doesn’t matter now. What matters is that The Daily Discord is DESTROYED!”
Madame Blackinswartz appears behind them.
Madame Blackinswartz: “Hey guys, what where those things?”
Bonerific: “What do you mean filthy human. All humans must be destroyed.”
Zanolopolus: “Even the hot ones?” —Canned laughter—
Bonerific: “Yes! Blast her.”
Madame Blackinswartz: “Wait wait. Aren’t you Bone and Zano?”
Aliens shake heads and look confused. —Canned Laughter—
Bonerific: “What are you talking about? I’m Bonerific.”
Zanolopolus: “And I’m Zanolopolus. She’s with the Discord. Destroy her!”
Madame Blackinswartz looks scared and then teleports away.
Scene 9: Bone, Zano, Saint, Poncho, and Madame Blackinswartz stumble into camp. Everyone else is doing the most mundane things possible.
Dr Wooks: “What’s the matter? Did you guys see a ghost again?”
Captain Major: “Are there more giant Crawdads?”
Everyone: “No Aliens!”
Everyone looks disgusted and turns their backs on the away team. Saying things like, “yeah right,” and “sure there are.”
Zanolopolus: “How did she do that?”
Bonerific: “It doesn’t matter? We just have to kill them all. Discord must die, Discord must die!”
Zanolopolus: “I haven’t seen you this upset since your zapflash was snarkled by a fulsculs off ethel’s outer belt.” —canned laughter—
Scene 11: Bone, Zano, Saint, Poncho, and Madame Blackinswartz confer on the edge of camp.
Madame Blackinswartz: “What are we going to do? No one believes us and we are in terrible danger.”
Zano: “And if the Discord is destroyed in could hurt its page views.”
Bone: “Hell, they might get better.”
Saint Poncho: “We could set a bunch of elaborate traps and deadfalls.”
Zano: “Naw that’s sounds like a lot of work, my backs still a little sore after moving the keg.” Everyone nods in agreement.
Scene 12: Zanolopolus and Bonerific are wandering through the forest randomly.
Zanolopolus: “Are we lost?”
Bonerific: “No, I never get lost.”
Zanolopolus: “What about the time we were supposed to mean Darth Vadar on Alderon and we ended up fighting Becard on Deep Space Nine?” —canned Laughter—
Bonerific: “That was the warp drives fault.”
Zanolopolus: “More like dope drive.” —softer canned laughter—-
They see the campfire burning bright through the trees.
Bonerific: “Wait there they are, let’s get them. Destroy the discord, destroy the discord….”
Zanolopolus: “Yes, with The Daily Discord gone nothing will stand the way of the Flagstaff Cube!”
Both: “THE FLAGSTAFF CUBE.”
Scene of a rotating cube
Scene 13: Lasers hit the trees and light them on fire.
The campers crouch behind trees and such.
Captain Major: “We’re in serious trouble.”
Dr. Wooks: “What tipped you off?”
Madame Blackinswartz: “Hey, they didn’t like my didge before. Maybe certain noises hurt them.”
Bone: “What is the most obnoxious music that we have?”
Saint Poncho: “I have Nixon sings Disney show tunes.”
Captain Major: “I have Ineglnuk humperdik’s Man of Lamuncha ”
Dr. Wooks: “I have Tiny Tim’s love ballads.”
Madame Blackinswartz: “Would Elton John’s I swear I like girls hits work?”
Bone: “Don’t look at me, all my music is awesome.”
Zano: “Yeah and all I have is my Seventies disco classics CD…what?”
Scene 14: More lasers and then loud Bee Gees. —Canned laughter— as aliens trip and fall over stuff. They begin to scream until their heads explode.
Scene 15: All the campers gather around the dead alien bodies.
Madame Blackinswartz: “Well that was weird.”
Dr. Wooks: “Why does something insane always happen when I go camping with you guys?” —-canned laughter—
Captain Major: “Where did that come from?”
Saint Poncho: “Must be a lingering effect from the aliens.”
Bone: “But what were they saying about a Flagstaff Cube? And where did I set my beer?”
Zano: “And why do they want to destroy the Discord?”
Bone: “Maybe they know we are the only ones that can foil their dastardly plot.”