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There’s Aliens in them there Hills, An Arizona Play

3 Bar Arizona: 3 Bar is at the eastern edge of the Four Peaks wilderness, which is past the eastern edge of Phoenix. It has a strong river, a good sized pool, and a waterfall all within walking distance of the camp. The area is rich with trees as well as desert scenery. Old roads and abandoned mines also dot the area. A few miles away Saguaros and other archetypical Arizona scenes are also available.

Desert, Tucson

Scene 1: Bone, Madame Blackinswartz and Zano are walking down toward the waterfall.

Bone: “It’s nice to go somewhere without having to worry about making it into a movie.”

Madame Blackinswartz: “Then why is Greg filming us?”

Zano: “No, no, this isn’t one of our normal films. This is ah… an educational film. You could call it a documentary.”

Madame Blackinswartz: “You sure it isn’t a Mockumentry?”

Zano: “I don’t mock, I insult with style.”

As they banter, neither notices that Madame Blackinswartz has disappeared.

Bone: “What are you, Buzz Lightyear? But what are we here for anyway?”

Zano: “We’re looking for the Lost Dutchman Gold mine!”


Bone: “Um, dude, that’s in the Superstitions, which is about a hundred miles to the south.”

Zano: “Perhaps that’s why it has never been found.”
Scene 2: The pool and waterfall. Madame Blackinswartz is on the ledge above the waterfall playing the Didgeridoo.

Bone: “Wasn’t she just with us?”

Zano: “Nevermind that. What is she doing?”

Bone: “I think she’s trying to summon ghosts. I saw her do this in Coyote Buttes and I ended up getting attacked by twenty naked Utes who used yucca thorns as weapons. I got one stuck up my-”

Zano: “What were you doing up there with her? I told you we aren’t supposed to date the staff.”

Bone: “I ah… thought she was a consultant. That’s completely different.”

Desert Hugs

Scene 3: Saint Poncho bursting out of thick brush.

Saint Poncho: “You summoned me?!?”

Zano: “I think we were trying to summon ghosts.”

Bone: “This happened before in Ophir pass when-”

Zano: “How many dates have you two been on?”
Scene 4: Switch to the team running off into the woods.

Laser blasts hit a tree next to us and light it on fire.

Bone: “By Yig’s elongated fangs we’re being attacked!” The team sees two silver coated aliens with laser pistols running toward them. “And they’re aliens.”
Scene 5: Cut to Tony Ballz watching this scene on his computer

Tony: “Screw this I’m outta here.”

Scene 6:

Zano: “Yes, and by Baccus’s beer soaked booty, we need to get out of here!”

Saint Poncho: “This way, I know a secret trail.”

Scene 7:
Madame Blackinswartz: “He he. This will slow them down.” She plays the didgeridoo and they scream and cover there ears, as she scampers away.
Scene 8: Aliens climbing over rocks.


Bonerific: “What was that thing?”

Zanolopolus: “I’m not sure but my ears haven’t hurt so bad since I played hocha with the plant women of Midor.” —Loud canned laughter.—

Bonerific: “Yeah, yeah yeah, that doesn’t matter now. What matters is that The Daily Discord is DESTROYED!”

Madame Blackinswartz appears behind them.

Madame Blackinswartz: “Hey guys, what where those things?”

Bonerific: “What do you mean filthy human. All humans must be destroyed.”

Zanolopolus: “Even the hot ones?” —Canned laughter—

Bonerific: “Yes! Blast her.”

Madame Blackinswartz: “Wait wait. Aren’t you Bone and Zano?”

Aliens shake heads and look confused. —Canned Laughter—

Bonerific: “What are you talking about? I’m Bonerific.”

Zanolopolus: “And I’m Zanolopolus. She’s with the Discord. Destroy her!”

Madame Blackinswartz looks scared and then teleports away.

Scene 9: Bone, Zano, Saint, Poncho, and Madame Blackinswartz stumble into camp. Everyone else is doing the most mundane things possible.

Dr Wooks: “What’s the matter? Did you guys see a ghost again?”

Captain Major: “Are there more giant Crawdads?”

Everyone: “No Aliens!”

Everyone looks disgusted and turns their backs on the away team. Saying things like, “yeah right,” and “sure there are.”
Scene 10:

Zanolopolus: “How did she do that?”

Aliens 2

Bonerific: “It doesn’t matter? We just have to kill them all. Discord must die, Discord must die!”

Zanolopolus: “I haven’t seen you this upset since your zapflash was snarkled by a fulsculs off ethel’s outer belt.” —canned laughter—

Scene 11: Bone, Zano, Saint, Poncho, and Madame Blackinswartz confer on the edge of camp.

Madame Blackinswartz: “What are we going to do? No one believes us and we are in terrible danger.”

Zano: “And if the Discord is destroyed in could hurt its page views.”

Bone: “Hell, they might get better.”

Defending camp

Saint Poncho: “We could set a bunch of elaborate traps and deadfalls.”

Zano: “Naw that’s sounds like a lot of work, my backs still a little sore after moving the keg.” Everyone nods in agreement.
Scene 12: Zanolopolus and Bonerific are wandering through the forest randomly.

Zanolopolus: “Are we lost?”

Bonerific: “No, I never get lost.”

Zanolopolus: “What about the time we were supposed to mean Darth Vadar on Alderon and we ended up fighting Becard on Deep Space Nine?” —canned Laughter—

Bonerific: “That was the warp drives fault.”

Zanolopolus: “More like dope drive.” —softer canned laughter—-

They see the campfire burning bright through the trees.

Bonerific: “Wait there they are, let’s get them. Destroy the discord, destroy the discord….”

Zanolopolus: “Yes, with The Daily Discord gone nothing will stand the way of the Flagstaff Cube!”


Scene of a rotating cube
Scene 13: Lasers hit the trees and light them on fire.

The campers crouch behind trees and such.

Captain Major: “We’re in serious trouble.”

Dr. Wooks: “What tipped you off?”

Madame Blackinswartz: “Hey, they didn’t like my didge before. Maybe certain noises hurt them.”

Bone: “What is the most obnoxious music that we have?”

Saint Poncho: “I have Nixon sings Disney show tunes.”

Captain Major: “I have Ineglnuk humperdik’s Man of Lamuncha ”

Dr. Wooks: “I have Tiny Tim’s love ballads.”

Madame Blackinswartz: “Would Elton John’s I swear I like girls hits work?”

Bone: “Don’t look at me, all my music is awesome.”

Zano: “Yeah and all I have is my Seventies disco classics CD…what?”
Scene 14: More lasers and then loud Bee Gees. —Canned laughter— as aliens trip and fall over stuff. They begin to scream until their heads explode.

Scene 15: All the campers gather around the dead alien bodies.

Madame Blackinswartz: “Well that was weird.”

Dr. Wooks: “Why does something insane always happen when I go camping with you guys?” —-canned laughter—

Captain Major: “Where did that come from?”

Saint Poncho: “Must be a lingering effect from the aliens.”

Bone: “But what were they saying about a Flagstaff Cube? And where did I set my beer?”

Zano: “And why do they want to destroy the Discord?”

Bone: “Maybe they know we are the only ones that can foil their dastardly plot.”

Everyone: “Nawwwwwwwww”

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