From Crappiness to Happiness in Three Easy Steps

Collapsing Shack Arizona: Most of us have our mental health ups and downs or as I prefer to call them, while I’m drinking or when I’m at work. However, I have noticed over the years that some people seem to have a leg up on the happiness scale. What advantages do they have that I am missing, besides talent and a life?

Between my dumpster diving and listening to old punk tunes in the dirt, I have been researching what these other Americans have going for them that I do not have. After almost thirty minutes of effort, I have outlined a method to improve one’s happiness. I do not think it will help me, I am too far gone, but perhaps you, gentle reader, will gain something from all my hard work or at least realize why you might be as bad off as me.

The first thing that a vast amount of Americans enjoy that I can bring myself to find the point in is sports. I wish, oh how I wish that I could find the pleasure in watching grown men run back and forth after a ball. I often imagine what it would be like to wake up and know my day could be filled with just sitting on my ass drinking beers and eating munches while finding pleasure in something flowing across my screen for hours on end. Hell, I can barely enjoy normal shows that do not involve at least one decapitation per episode. Ah the wonder of watching millionaires bounce off each other and somehow getting something out of it, must be nice, but then again, I suppose dung beetles might love the taste of shit.

Before I move from this topic, there is another pay off that sport hounds have that I do not. Two guys meet at a bar, they have never seen each other, but if they get onto sports they can have a heated conversation for hours. Me I might have to discuss something real and who wants to do that. So, here we go, step one, like sports. Hell, it should be easier than…well actually doing anything mental or physical.

Now that is taken care of and I have a bowl of pork rinds and a thirty pack of Silver Bullet waiting for me, let’s move onto step two. And this should piss nearly everyone off, religion. I am not talking about worshipping cool deities like Yig, I am discussing those with a billion or two followers. Again I can’t imagine what it would be like to think I will be going to a perfect paradise one day, hell, I would be willing to settle for a seedy bar with an old mattress in the back. Hey, it would be better than where I imagine I will be going. What a delightful cozy feeling that must be, and to have a billion others be in solidary with you, wow, again, I cannot even imagine anything like it, except for that Rush concert I saw in Rhode Island.

So now all I would have to do is somehow convince myself that this imaginary manmade nonsense is true. Is there brain surgery involved, I would prefer that to drinking Drano if possible?

Now that I’ve potentially ticked off about 97% of the Earth’s population, let’s see if I can get that closer to a 100%. The third gateway to potential happiness that I am road blocked on is homosexuality. I mean seriously. Imagine I am sitting on the sofa, eating some onion dip, while drinking a beer, and watching the third ‘Big Game’ of the day. I know God loves me and despite my lack of ambition I will be living in paradise in just a few short years.

What could ruin this scenario? Perhaps someone reminding me about all the chores I need to do and having me look after all the children I have created with them. If I had been gay from the start, no kids to look after, no obligation to do all the ‘man’s work’ and hopefully I would just have a chill partner watching the ball being tossed back and forth with me. “Hey can I get a blow job during the next commercial. I gave you the last one?”

But again, I still cannot figure out how to make that part of my end game. But just because I may be hopelessly screwed, it does mean you are. Especially those young readers out there… do not give up. You have time to change your ways and adapt and to all those homosexual, god fearing, sport fans my hat goes off to you. Enjoy your perfect life.