Tucker Joes

The Fox News Network is proud to present its newest foray into investment diversity. Spearheaded by one of their most innovative propagators Tucker Carlson, they are making the controversial decision to try to compete with the Liberal mainstay, Trader Joes, by opening a store to cater to right wing interests which will be called Tucker Joes.

“The store is prepped to boost ideas which the typical Fox viewer can get behind,” Tucker Carlson said with a smile which quickly lowered into a quizzical look when he didn’t understand what a pen was. After explaining it to him and then spending another twenty minutes elaborating on how paper was made, I managed to bring Tucker back on subject and he went on to list some of their eye grabbing products.

“Won’t be any snowflake job stealing liberal items on sale at my store. No, we’ll have our forty-acre beef. You’ll never sink your teeth into something tastier than when you find out a full forty acres of farmland is used yearly just to provide enough grain to produce one pound of this beef.”

“Other delights include shark eye soup. We catch the fish and harvest its eyes and then dump the rest of the body into the ocean. Ahh the decadence. With all that extra waste, you know it must be good.”

I then asked him about the store itself and what kind of shopping experience we could expect.  “For one thing, Fox news will be played on every aisle so you can know either how absolutely wonderful, or abysmally horrible, the world is depending on who is in office.”

“There are also new technological innovations which will make any woman who walks through the door pregnant, and we won’t ring up her groceries until she gives us her shoes.”

“Instead of asking people to bring in their recyclable bags, we will put every item into an individual bag and that includes the bulk nuts. Bulk nuts, that has quite a ring to it, maybe that could be cute name we give all our patrons.”

Flora Fatale, the vice president of excess and promoting global warming, leaned forward and said, “Oh Tucky wucky you didn’t mention our flagship product.” She handed me an almond. “These are uno almonds. Growing just one of these babies uses more water a day than half of Phoenix. When we planted our first crop the water levels at Lake Mead lowered three feet in one day. Imagine how good it must taste for us to be willing to destroy the entire southwest to bring it to you!”

When asked about the roll out, I was told they are buying up homeless shelters, health clinics, and social security offices in all the red states. As far as their plans for the more liberal states, Fox intends to put one outside of every retirement community they can find. Carlson finished by saying. “Give me a few years and I’ll be serving monster truck engine heated pork to half the country.”

For more investigative nonsense from Alex Bone click here.

To order a six pack of Uno almonds click here to apply for your Tucker Joe’s Credit Card.

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